


Snap Out of It

by JeremyBearimy



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Questioning Sexuality, Rejection, comp-het
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:47:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26215093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeremyBearimy/pseuds/JeremyBearimy
Summary: During the pregnancy test scene Judy tries to kiss Jen (as she clearly wanted to) and Jen rejects her kiss. Jen immediately regrets rejecting her and can't stop thinking about it.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 35
Kudos: 118





	1. What's On Your Mind?

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to continue my other story eventually but I'm having major writer's block and wanted that one to be decent so instead I've decided to dump this massive load of word vomit on all of you. Apologies in advance. Also special thanks to @queenC_13 for looking this over.

“Okay. It’s been two minutes, so, avert.” Jen’s hand moved to cover Judy’s line of vision, pushing her face to turn it away. “Just don’t. Don’t…” Jen kept shoving her face, even when Judy was no longer trying to look at the test, her eyes only darting towards Jen now until her cheek was shoved away teasingly.

“I really wanna look at it…” Judy complained.

“Don’t do it,” Jen said softly, booping Judy’s nose as she tried to look back at her. Judy was relishing in this playful, affectionate Jen. Not that Jen wouldn’t usually melt like butter for her, but she was even softer than usual. Maybe it was the weight of the moment that had her touching Judy’s face with such ease.

Judy sighed and let her head fall, Jen catching it in her palm. Judy shot Jen a glance, earning a grin that she could tell Jen tried to hold back but couldn’t help, not with Judy staring up at her so sweetly from the safe hold of her own palm.

Judy wasn’t used to seeing Jen so smitten with her, she thought, and Jen’s little smile emboldened her. She turned her cheek and pressed a soft kiss into Jen’s palm, Jen pulling her hand away moments later.

After narrowing her eyes for a moment and regarding Judy with a puzzled expression, Jen blinked and let it slide. Judy took that as a good sign; Jen not reacting. If she hadn’t liked it she probably would have said “Gross” and wiped her hand on her pants, Judy assumed. But instead, she dropped her hand onto Judy’s lap and patted her thigh affectionately, giving Judy a hint of hope.

It seemed each day Jen grew more tender towards Judy. It was hard to imagine this was the same woman who had flinched when Judy touched her arm the day they met, and refused her hug. Now Jen fell so easily into Judy’s arms and was quick to pull Judy into hers, or grab her by the hand and tug her along, even in public.

But this was a different level of intimacy. She couldn’t seem to take her hands off of Judy all day. When Judy had fainted earlier that morning Jen made Nick drive them back so that she could look after Judy in the car. When Judy came to, she was laying in the backseat with her head in Jen’s lap, her hair being gently petted while Jen watched her closely. And then Jen was laying her down in the guesthouse bed, pulling a blanket over her chest, rubbing and squeezing her arm, leaning in close to her, hardly letting Nick come near her when  _ he _ was the one Judy was supposed to be involved with.

“Oh, I broke up with Nick,” Judy blurted out, hoping Jen would show some sign of relief. She had a little bit of hope that Jen was jealous of the relationship, considering the amount of times Jen had teased her about Nick being her  _ boyfriend  _ even though he wasn’t.

But instead of earning a “Good riddance” she got a sympathetic “You did? Oh.”

“Yeah. I know. He deserves someone nicer than me.”

Jen looked at her funny. “Who the fuck is nicer than you?”

Judy tried to ignore the little rush of happiness and validation that brought her, only allowing a small chuckle. “Okay. Then maybe someone more stable.”

“ _ That _ he can maybe find,” Jen teased, bumping against her, letting their bodies sway together for a moment and rubbing Judy’s thigh one last time.

“Whose mother is stable?” Jen asked, “And you won’t be a single mom.”

Judy turned quickly to face her, those words already filling her with some sort of hope.

“You have me.”

_ I’m not single… because I have you?  _ Judy stared in disbelief, unable to process the words she was hearing.

“We can be like a… three-child mothering team.”

The butterflies that had been fluttering in Judy’s stomach while Jen touched her face felt more like fireworks now. And now Jen was staring at her with so much love and adoration; a grin plastered on her face, her nose scrunched, her eyes staring into Judy’s like she hung the sun.

“Mothering team. That’s awesome.” Judy let herself smile so hard her cheeks hurt.

Jen  _ Aww _ ’d sweetly back at her, her face moving in so close that Judy’s heart nearly stopped. Jen’s forehead was pressed against hers, their faces so impossibly close that she could feel Jen’s hot breath against her, their upper thighs and shoulders rubbing together as their bodies rocked in sync with each other.

And now their foreheads were separated, the two of them staring directly into each other’s eyes as their smiles faded into something more serious. Judy’s eyes fell to Jen’s lips for just a moment, and she gauged Jen’s reaction. Jen was still staring at her with all the love and adoration in the world, pursing her lips in a way that finally made Judy say  _ fuck it _ and lean in.

She pressed her lips against Jen’s, which were just as soft as she’d imagined, and moved a hand to her jawline. But Jen wasn’t kissing back. Why wasn’t she kissing back?

Jen's eyes popped open wide with shock, not at all expecting this, clearly. She placed a gentle hand on Judy’s chest and pushed her back. “ _ Jesus _ , Judy. What are you—? This isn’t what I— I don’t— I’m not...”

The timer started beeping, and neither of them acknowledged it, the two of them staring at each other in a state of shock.

Judy opened her mouth to speak, but her brain had stopped cooperating. She was completely mortified. All she wanted was to disappear, but Jen’s eyes were pinning her there, begging for an explanation, burning straight through her.

“I’m…  _ so _ sorry I—”

Jen blinked. “Uh, no no, it’s okay, I just… you know, I’m not…”

_ You’re not gay, I get it _ , Judy thought. “No, right, of course. I’m really sorry. Um, I should go!” Judy started to get up, “I have work in… you know,” Judy glanced in the general direction of her wrist only to remember she had not been wearing a watch, “uh, two days, so I should just…”

“Jude,” Jen grabbed Judy by the arm and pulled her back onto the bed. “It’s okay. You were in the moment and you were emotional and happy and… I’m sure it was just an impulse. It’s seriously fine. We can just pretend it didn’t happen.”

Judy nodded solemnly. “Yeah… yeah that’s all it was. It was just the heat of the moment.”  _ Not that I’m hopelessly in love with you at all. _ Judy blinked, trying to snap out of it. “Oh, shit, the test!”

__________

“Then you do it.”

“No, I’m not gonna do it.”

“Come on.” Judy begged, giving her best puppy eyes.

“No.”

“I’ve had a really shitty day. Please?” Judy pouted.

Jen’s eyes were drawn from her cup to Judy’s face, seeing her pleading pout. “I used to sound like this,” Jen said in her strongest Brooklyn accent.

Judy burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

“Like this,” Jen repeated, not wanting the laughter to stop. Judy’s laugh was so infectious that she couldn’t help but join her, even if they were laughing at her own expense, at least Judy was happy.

“I love it so much.” 

Jen’s laughter finally started to die down. “You’re lucky you’re sad,” she teased. When she saw Judy’s expression fall slightly she couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt, remembering what had happened earlier that day.

Jen took another sip of her drink, staring directly into her cup to avoid Judy’s face, still staring down at it when she finished her sip. “Hey, Judy?”

“Yeah..?” Judy asked, a little confused.

“I just wanted to say sorry. About earlier. I don’t think I had the best reaction.” Without looking up, Jen cast her gaze towards Judy, watching cautiously out of the corner of her eye.

“Oh.” Judy shifted uncomfortably. “It’s no big deal. Seriously. You don’t have to be sorry, I’m the one who should be sorry for springing that on you.”

Jen shook her head. “It’s fine, I guess I just mean I’m sorry for being so dismissive about it. If you have, like, a little crush or whatever… it’s okay. I just hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression about us.”

Judy shook her head, her heart pounding in her chest. “No no, it’s not your fault. It’s totally my fault, I was just misreading things and… anyways I’m over it. It’s  _ totally _ fine.”

“You’re over what happened or you’re over your crush?” Jen had finally lifted her head to look at Judy now.

“Both,” Judy blinked.

“Jude, this was like two hours ago.”

Judy forced an awkward chuckle, her cheeks burning. “It was nothing, I promise, I’ll be over it soon.” A silence passed between them that couldn’t have been more than a millisecond, but felt like hours to Judy. “It was just physical anyways,” Judy joked.

“Huh?” Jen asked cluelessly, sounding unmistakably similar to when Judy had asked what she was wearing over the phone.

“Don’t you know?” Judy tried not to smirk, “I’ve only ever wanted you for your body. None of this friendship crap. Can’t you tell?”

Jen laughed and shook her head. “Asshole.”

“Oh, come on, you must have known. When you look like  _ that _ ?” Judy whistled like a cat-caller.

“Fuck  _ off _ ,” Jen said, unable to help the smile on her face, “do you want me to push you into this hot tub right now?”

__________

Jen couldn’t sleep that night at all. It was almost 4AM and her eyes had hardly shut. She was too busy overanalyzing everything Judy had ever said to her. She was reliving their first conversations. 

_ You come to this group often?... Feel free to call me, we can not sleep together... What are you wearing? Mmm slower… Yours are better… Your shoulders are getting pink, let me get that… You are heaven on a stick… _

Jen threw her hands over her face. Had Judy been trying to flirt with her this  _ entire  _ time and she was just too naïve to pick up on it?

As embarrassed as she felt, Jen couldn’t help but feel flattered. Judy was, well,  _ adorable _ . Not that she’d ever say that to her, but Judy was one of the most attractive people she’d ever met, man or woman. Maybe she was even a little bit attracted to Judy. But not, like,  _ really _ attracted to her. She’d just never liked women like that. Maybe just in the way anyone’s attracted to a supermodel, like,  _ yeah _ she’d bang her, but who wouldn’t? And she wouldn’t actually do it. Just, like, in theory. Right? It’s only good in theory, Jen convinced herself, sleeping with Judy was only good in theory, because she definitely wouldn’t have sex with a woman.

Jen tried not to think about it, she really did, but she thought picturing it might help her talk herself out of it. She thought about Judy’s soft lips against hers again. She thought about pulling Judy’s tight little striped T-shirt up and over her head and pushing her down onto her back… 

Another thought popped into her head: she  _ knew _ what Judy looked like shirtless; she’d seen her in just her bra and underwear more than once and had done her best not to gawk. Judy had no issues changing in front of her and continuing their conversation if Jen was in the guest house in the morning or before bed, and Jen never knew where to look. She’d never really had close girlfriends before so she wasn’t accustomed to the level of comfort or intimacy the two of them shared, but she certainly didn’t mind it. Judy had such a beautiful body, of course she didn’t mind it. She didn’t mind helping Judy unzip her dresses at night either. There were even instances where Judy had texted Jen from the guest house asking her to come outside and help her out of her dress. And Jen never minded, even when she was already in bed and that meant she had to go all the way downstairs and across the yard. 

_ Stop fucking thinking about it _ , Jen scolded herself, because this was definitely  _ not _ helping. She’d hardly noticed her hand slipping into the front of her sweatpants at the memory of the last time Judy needed her dress unzipped; the day she hadn’t been wearing a bra but still took her dress all the way off before Jen had left the room.  _ They were just nice tits, Jen. Objectively beautiful tits. Everyone loves a nice pair of tits. That doesn’t mean you’re fucking gay _ , Jen told herself, remembering Judy teasing her for gawking.

She had tried her best to resist, but Jen’s hand slid under the waistband of her underwear now.  _ Fuck _ .

Her mind went right back to that moment of Judy catching her staring at her chest, and now all she could think was what if she had kissed her, if she’d put her hands on Judy’s chest? Was just Judy hoping she would? Was that why she asked for her help in the first place? 

Jen’s hand was working hard at the thought, but it just felt so wrong. It wasn’t that it  _ didn’t _ feel good but that it  _ shouldn’t.  _

_ Fucking stop it, you’re kidding yourself. _

Jen pulled her hand out of her pants and turned her face into her pillow, groaning in frustration.

  
  


__________

“You stalk me. You move into my home. You get my children to trust you? You try to fucking  _ kiss  _ me? You probably just wanted into my fucking pants, didn’t you?”

“No! Jen, I—”

“You are a fucking sociopath.”

“I love you…”

“Yeah, well I fucking hate you.”


	2. Make A Fool Of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy comes back; Jen tries to get over whatever it is that she's feeling

“Judy.”

“Yeah?”

“Can…” Jen blinked, swallowing hard, as if this were actually a gamble. As if she thought it was possible that Judy said no. She reached out her arms for Judy. “Can I… can I give you a hug?”

Judy’s expression softened with endearment, letting herself be pulled into Jen’s arms and cradled while her body rattled with sobs. 

Jen sighed softly and stroked Judy’s hair, trying to pull her even closer, even when it was no longer possible. Her heart was breaking at the sensation of Judy’s trembling. Her body was racked with guilt. All she wanted was to take the pain away, but she had to sit there and accept that not only could she not take Judy’s pain away, but that she was also the cause of it in the first place. And, to make matters worse, she was lying about it.

She thought back to when she found out about Ted, all of the horrific things she said to Judy. Calling her a sociopath, implying she was only trying to get into Jen’s pants. It made Jen’s skin crawl just thinking about it. The way she had implied that Judy was some perverted predator when she’d already felt bad enough about that kiss; that sweet, innocent little peck.  _ When I was the one who spent that entire night _ — Jen shook her head. It didn’t matter now. It didn’t matter that she spent that entire night awake thinking about Judy. Or that she gave in and got off on her fingers to the thought of Judy just an hour after pulling her hand out of her sweatpants. None of that mattered. Judy was back in her arms and she was over whatever little crush she had on Jen. Presumably…

“Let’s go to sleep,” Jen whispered, planting a gentle kiss on the top of Judy’s head, taking in the smell of Judy’s coconut shampoo that she’d missed so terribly.

Judy sniffled, hiccuping a sob. “Okay…”

Jen helped them both under the covers, Judy never fully letting go of her. Once they were settled in bed Judy had her head on Jen’s chest, her arm draped across Jen’s stomach, and her leg crossed over Jen’s waist. Jen was fully immobilized by Judy’s body, tangled up in her. And she couldn’t complain. Especially not about the position of Judy’s thigh that had Jen lying practically between her legs. One of Jen’s arms was wrapped around Judy’s back while the other came down to grip the back of Judy’s thigh, holding it in place and rubbing it subtly every now and then, testing her limits until Judy started to drift off.

Judy was asleep in seconds; Jen was up the entire night.

__________

“Thank you for… handling that. It’s a good thing you were here.”

“I’m glad it’s a good thing,” Judy said softly, smiling up at Jen.

Jen stared back down at her, seeing how happy she was just to be welcome. “Judy I… I’m sorry.” She reached for Judy’s hand, and Judy took it in both of hers.

“It’s okay,” Judy whispered. And Jen could tell she meant it, which was comforting even if Judy didn’t know the full truth.

“Judy, um…” 

Judy blinked at her curiously, waiting.

“Can I… ask you something weird?”

Judy’s face somehow softened even more. “Isn’t that my line?” She smirked teasingly, “But yes, always.”

Jen nodded. “I was just wondering, uh, those… feelings… that you had for me,” Jen could already see the little bit of panic across Judy’s face, “did they ever go away?”

Judy sucked her bottom lip nervously. “Oh, yeah! Like, forever ago. I told you, it wasn’t a big thing.”

“‘Forever ago’, Judy it happened, like, a couple weeks ago.”

“Did it? Feels like a year ago. But seriously, I’m over it! I don’t want you to, like, pity me or whatever. I’m completely in control of my feelings.”

_ No you’re not _ , Jen thought to herself,  _ who the fuck is in control of their feelings _ ? But she believed that Judy was over her, at least. Of course she was. How could she still like Jen  _ that _ way after all the things she’d said and done? Jen was lucky that Judy was even willing to be her friend. And it didn’t happen often that people had  _ those _ sorts of feelings for her anyways. Probably with good reason, she thought.

“Alright, well,” Jen took in a shaky breath and stared straight forward, feeling she needed to say something she’d been wanting to say since Judy came back. “I’m sorry about… about saying you only wanted to get into my pants. I don’t know why I said that. I never even thought--”

“Jen?” Judy cut her off, still looking up at her. Jen gave in and turned her gaze back to Judy’s waiting eyes. Her expression was softer than Jen expected it to be. 

Judy tightened her lips when Jen looked down at her and said: “It’s okay.”

__________

“I do actually kind of feel like dancing, though. I don’t know.”

Jen felt a sudden rush of panic and (maybe) jealousy. “With  _ that _ guy?”

“No! No.” Judy answered quickly, “With you…”

Jen’s expression softened, she felt a flutter in her chest that she hadn’t felt in a very long time. “With me?” She nodded quickly, but tried not to make it too obvious that there was nothing in the world she wanted more. “Okay. Okay.”

Jen stood from her bar stool and reached her hand out in a gentlemanly manner, waiting for Judy to take it. Judy raised an eyebrow playfully and gave Jen a gracious smile, gently placing her fingers in Jen’s palm, earning a squeeze.

“You aren’t wasting any time, huh?” Judy asked when Jen turned around and tugged her along.

Jen could hardly contain her excitement while Judy danced up against her. She’d grab Judy and twirl her now and then, letting their bodies bump together “accidentally”. They were both drinking the entire night and allowed themselves to get more and more handsy as the night progressed. Well,  _ allowed _ would be a strong word, it was more like drunken instinct for Jen to reach back and pinch Judy’s ass between her fingers. In Jen’s defense it was  _ right _ there.

Judy had giggled and jumped away, bursting into a fit of laughter before turning back to Jen and falling against her. The hug lingered longer than it probably should have, the two of them turning it into a slow dance that in no way matched the music. At this point the music didn’t matter, nor did the people around them; they were in their own little world.

Jen was savoring every moment of it, savoring the fact that Judy only got closer after each time Jen touched her, even if it was in a playful sort of way. Now Judy was laughing against her, burying her face in Jen’s shoulder. They let this little dance go on until the song came to an end. Jen was disappointed when Judy pulled away after, but Judy was grabbing her hand, pulling her along and saying “Come on, let’s go get another drink!” And Jen couldn’t help but let herself be tugged away from the dance floor.

“Psst psst psst,” Jen clicked her tongue and Judy bursted into a fit of giggles. Jen smiled to herself, a little bit satisfied with herself for making Judy laugh so hard.

“$83 you said?” Jen asked the bartender, no longer caring about the embarrassment of the situation or what this would cost her. She pulled out her wallet and handed him her card. “This one’s on me, babe,” Jen said to Judy, wrapping an arm around her. 

“You’re sooo sweet,” Judy slurred, letting her head fall onto Jen’s shoulder. 

The bartender ran her card. “Now get the hell out of here.” He said as he handed it back. Jen and Judy both raised their eyebrows at him, turning to each other and bursting into another fit of laughter.

The two of them stumbled their way to the elevator, not letting go of each other, and made their way back to the room. 

“Alright, goodnight.” Judy said as she pushed the door open. She kicked off her shoes and crossed the room, flopping onto what would have been Jen’s bed.

“Hey! That one’s mine, isn’t it? You already got the other one all gross with your dirty clothes,” Jen complained.

Judy groaned and lifted her head, patting the spot next to her.

Jen realized what she was suggesting and blinked nervously. “Okay, okay,” she said coolly, coming towards the bed. “You’re not even gonna take off that dress?” 

Judy giggled, “Ooh, do you  _ want _ me to take off my dress?”

Jen rolled her eyes, trying to sound nonchalant even though her heart was pounding. “Shut up.” 

“You can take it off me if you really want…” Judy said suggestively, snuggling into the pillow.

Jen’s mouth was hanging open. She should have just told Judy she was ridiculous. Judy always made comments like that, before their kiss anyways. Jen would usually say “gross” and they’d be done with it, so why now was she fully panicking?

Jen swallowed, “You can take off your own damn dress, Jesus. I just don’t want to sleep in a puddle of your sweat.”

Judy groaned. “Unzip it for me?”

Jen chewed her bottom lip, eyeing Judy who laid face-down in their bed. “Fine,” She grumbled, trying not to sound excited about it. Jen made her way over to the bed and sat on the very edge of it beside Judy. “Will you  _ get up _ ?”

Judy groaned, pushing herself into a sitting position, facing away from Jen. Jen squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and shook her head before reaching forward to grab the zipper of Judy’s dress and drag it down. Her eyes traced the newly revealed skin and the back of Judy’s black push up bra. Now she was swallowing harder, her mouth dry.

“Alright, it’s all set,” Jen said, getting up off the bed before Judy could rope her into “helping” anymore.

“Thanks,” Judy mumbled, pushing the dress off her shoulders and already starting to unhook her bra.

“ _ Um, _ ” Jen interjected, “can I get you something to wear to bed? Did you bring one of your little, like, silk robes or whatever you wear?”

“Mm,” Judy nodded and rubbed her face, “I’m sure I have one, will you check my suitcase?”

Jen nodded and sighed with relief. “Alright, let me look.” She made her way to Judy’s suitcase and started checking every compartment, only finding underwear and toiletries and a dress for the next day. 

Jen grunted. “Judy! You didn’t pack anything to wear to bed?”

Judy mimicked her grunt, “I don’t know! I didn’t have a whole lot of time to pack!”

Jen pursed her lips, now remembering the purpose of their trip. “Okay, it’s fine, I might have an extra T-shirt you can wear,” Jen said casually, moving to her own suitcase. She was scared to even look up at Judy, knowing she’d probably taken her bra off and was probably more than comfortable lounging back on the bed with her chest on full display. 

“Okay, I do have an extra,” Jen said upon opening her suitcase. She already knew she did, having anticipated stress-sweating through most of her clothing.

Jen stood from her suitcase, wobbly from all of the booze in her system, and slowly made her way over to Judy, trying to keep herself steady. Judy was, in fact, leaning back on her palms with her chest on full display, kicking one leg that hung off the bed.

Jen’s heart pounded at the sight, actively trying to look in every single direction but Judy’s.

_ Just act fucking normal, it’s not a big deal _ , Jen told herself,  _ she’s just comfortable around you _ . But her mind wouldn’t stop racing, everything leading back to that afternoon in the guest house, and the night that followed. Maybe she’d feel less guilty looking at Judy if she hadn’t spent that night with her hands down her pants thinking of her. But maybe she wouldn’t feel so damn confused if Judy hadn’t gone and  _ kissed _ her without warning.

All of her panic converged into her throwing her T-shirt at Judy to cover her chest, which she quickly turned into a joke. “Cover those up, will you? Jesus.”

Judy grinned a bit as Jen marched off. “Awe, come on, you don’t think they’re nice?”

“Shut up,” Jen muttered, digging clothes for herself out of her suitcase.

“You never compliment them,” Judy said teasingly, feigning offense.

“ _ Judy! _ ” Jen groaned, blushing furiously. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Jen could feel Judy’s eyes on her as she tucked her handful of clothes under her arm and disappeared behind the door. She quickly dropped the clothes and fell against the sink, closing her eyes and gulping in deep breaths. 

“You’re a pervert, you’re a fucking pervert!” She whispered to herself, “She’s your fucking friend, you creep! Stop looking at her like she’s—“

Jen was cut off by Judy shouting “Jen! You okay in there?”

She swallowed and took a deep breath, heart pounding at the prospect of Judy having heard what she just said. “Yeah! I’m all good! Be right out!”

_ Fuck! _

Jen had to keep reminding herself that Judy said she was over her. Judy was over it and just wanted to be friends. Judy  _ always _ flirted, with everyone, it’s just how she was, Jen told herself, it didn’t mean anything. 

And here she was trying to figure out if she  _ liked _ Judy in that way when she’d already missed her chance. It shouldn’t have fucking mattered anymore.  _ I just need to get the fuck over it _ , Jen told herself.

Still somewhat immersed in her meltdown, Jen undressed and tugged on a T-shirt and sweatpants. She would have foregone the sweatpants considering it was probably one of the hottest days of the year, but she wasn’t about to do that with Judy pantsless sleeping beside her. Judy who, of course, loves to cuddle. She needed  _ some _ sort of barrier between the two of them, so it looked like she’d have to be the one overheating.

Jen made her way back into the room and found Judy already tucked into the blankets waiting for her. Her hair was messy from dancing and her mascara a bit smudged, and Jen’s T-shirt was far too large for her. She looked adorable, Jen thought, so small in that gigantic bed. A little smile formed on her face when she saw Jen coming toward her, and that was enough to put Jen’s heart at ease, for now.

“I was getting impatient waiting for you.” Judy sat up a bit and pulled back the blankets invitingly, exposing some of her bare legs and stomach as the T-shirt was bunched up above her panties. Maybe from sliding under the covers, Jen thought, or maybe she bunched it up on purpose.  _ No _ , Jen told herself, halting the thought immediately.

“You didn’t have to wait,” Jen rolled her eyes as she climbed into bed, “You could have just gone to sleep, you know.”

Jen scooched under the blankets awkwardly and rolled to face away from Judy, knowing she’d positioned herself uncomfortably but far too aware of every single movement she made next to Judy to fix it.

“I  _ know _ I didn’t have to, but I wanted to spoon.” Judy slid up behind Jen and put an arm around her.

Jen’s breath caught in her throat when Judy’s hand rested on her stomach, Judy’s waist pressed against hers. Her first instinct was to deflect.

“Jude, you know I love you, but it’s like a hundred degrees.” Jen was, of course, exaggerating. They had the AC on but not high enough for Jen’s liking, because Judy was always cold.

“Come on, please?” Judy snuggled into her even closer, and Jen knew she’d be pouting if she could see her face.

Jen grunted, playing it off like she wasn’t completely exploding on the inside. “Fine.” She slid back into Judy and held her hand firmly, intertwining their fingers even though she knew her palm would be sweating against Judy’s hand.

“Thank you…” Judy said softly.

Jen’s eyes were already closed. “Mhmm.”

“I don’t mean for… cuddling with me.”

Jen opened her eyes again, “For what?”

“For tonight. For… making me feel better.” Judy buried her face in Jen’s hair. “Thank you for… being my person.”

Jen squeezed her hand harder, pulling her even closer. “Of course. And thank you. For the same.”

That was another night that Judy drifted off in seconds. And Jen laid awake the entire night.


	3. You Know We Should Start,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen realizes she can't sleep without Judy; Judy has a nightmare

The following night was not much different for Jen and Judy in terms of sleeping arrangements. Jen had originally expected to spend the night by herself, since Judy had resided to the guest house for the night (to mail some rock) and seemed content to have some alone time. At the end of the night it was Jen who couldn’t stand being away from her friend.

That morning, Jen had the rude awakening of a phone call telling her that her son’s symbolic-father-figure bird had died, which was not how she’d expected or  _ wanted  _ her day to start. But it also started with her waking up next to Judy, something she thought she could get used to.

Even with all of Jen’s rude grumbling and complaints and bed head and smudged makeup, Judy eased right into her the moment she woke up. Her heart rate was instantaneously slowed when Judy sidled right up to her and told her it would be okay, putting an arm over her and nuzzling Jen’s shoulder.

Judy made  _ everything _ easier, Jen thought, even waking up, but she really did everything she could to make this day easier on everyone. After watching Judy comfort her son and hearing her sing so beautifully that day, Jen was spiraling even worse than before. Every thought of Judy that day made her heart physically ache, and, finally, not in a bad way. This was all becoming so much more than whatever that kiss had meant to her before, and it was terrifying.

Jen tried to settle into bed, knowing Judy was probably doing perfectly fine in the guest house and she shouldn’t disturb her. But the bed just felt so big… and so empty… Jen thought. She was already mourning a night without Judy’s arms wrapped around her middle and Judy’s head nuzzled against her shoulder. The very thought of it was devastating, as if Judy wasn’t right in the same house every single night.

She tried convincing herself that she was being ridiculous, that it was just one night, she could ask Judy tomorrow or the next day.  _ But what if she’s thinking the same thing?  _ Jen reasoned with herself. Surely Judy was more at peace in Jen’s presence, Jen could tell she was. And she enjoyed the physical affection just as much as Jen did, or at least seemed to.

Jen grumbled, picking up her phone. “Fuck it.”

She had absolutely no plan for what she’d say when Judy picked up, but she called.

“Jen? Are you okay, is everything okay?” Judy asked frantically.

“Judy, I’m fine, I’m fine. I was just calling because, uh,” Jen’s eyes searched the room, trying to think of something, “ _ Facts of Life _ is on.” She cringed as soon as she said it, cursing herself for not coming up with a better excuse beforehand.

Judy snorted, “It’s on every night.” Her statement sounded almost like a question, waiting for Jen to give a further explanation.

Jen froze up for a second, wanting so badly to just ask Judy to come to bed, but not wanting to sound needy. 

_ Come on, Jude, help me out _ .

It was as if Judy had heard her thoughts, because after another moment of silence she cut in with “Did you… want me to come watch with you?”

Jen was almost about to say “please?” but bit her tongue, not wanting to sound so desperate. “Of course I do, why the hell else would I call?” Jen allowed herself a small chuckle after she said this, hearing Judy’s giggle on the other end. 

“Sure. I’ll be right up.”

They hung up and Jen couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear, biting down on her lip to try to keep it from growing. 

“Okay, right,” Jen said to herself before running to the bathroom, washing her face, brushing her teeth, and applying chapstick (just in case). 

It wasn’t that she planned to try to kiss Judy, but now she was always ready. If Judy was going to try to kiss  _ her _ again… well, Jen wanted that prospect to seem at least appealing. 

She was just getting back into bed as Judy came through the door. Immediately she felt a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth again, and she had to bite the insides of her cheeks to keep it from growing disgustingly big. But it wasn’t easy to hold back when Judy looked so happy to see her, and looked so cozy and beautiful in her silky knee-length robe.

The two shared a disgustingly sweet little stare-off before Judy broke their eye contact, glancing at Jen’s TV with a puzzled expression.

“Jen, your TV isn’t even on,” Judy said with a small chuckle, making her way towards the bed. 

Jen blinked, staring at the blank screen. And, God, she was embarrassed. Enough to wipe the grin off her face. “Uh, well, yeah I just… I just knew it was on at this time and didn’t want to start without you and—“

Judy interrupted her with a soft “Jen,” settling onto the edge of the bed, “you know, it’s okay if you just want company. I totally understand if you don’t want to be alone right now.”

Jen nodded sadly. Why was this woman so perfect?

“Thanks.” Jen rubbed her eyes sleepily. 

“Sure. Should we go to sleep?” Judy offered.

“Okay…” Jen shifted under the covers while Judy did the same on her respective side of the bed. Jen flicked the bedside lamp off and laid back, both of them laying in the same position apart from each other, neither of them comfortable.

“Judy?” Jen turned her head to face Judy.

“Yeah?” Judy rolled over onto her side to face her.

“Can you… Can you come over here?”

Judy allowed herself a small smile. “Of course.”

She slid her way over to Jen, letting herself be enveloped in her arms.

“ _ Ah _ ,” Jen adjusted herself uncomfortably.

“What’s wrong?”

“My back is just fucking killing me, sorry.”

Judy pushed herself up into a sitting position. “Can I help?”

Jen blinked, sad at the sudden loss of Judy’s warmth. “Uh, I don’t think so?”

“Come on, what about a back massage?” Judy offered sweetly.

Jen’s eyes widened for a moment, furrowing her eyebrows. “Huh? No, no that’s…”

“Please? I’m actually pretty good at it,” Judy gave her signature puppy eyes and pout.

Jen rubbed her face and shook her head. “Jude…” when she looked back up Judy was still giving her the eyes, now adding a head-tilt.

Jen sighed, “Alright, alright.”

She was incredibly nervous at the prospect of this, not that she didn’t want it, like, a lot. Surely, Judy would be good at this. It might even be relaxing if the idea of Judy touching her for a prolonged period of time like this didn’t make her feel… the way it made her feel.

“Do you have some oil? Lotion?” Judy asked, already getting off the bed.

Jen’s brain short-circuited for a moment. “Uh, you don’t have to—“

Judy turned around and raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, uh, check the cabinet above the sink?”

Judy disappeared into the bathroom and Jen took a deep, heavy breath. Her mind was racing at the thought of Judy’s hands on her.

“Oo, what is  _ this _ !?” Judy called from the bathroom door, holding a small, unopened purple bottle.

“Huh?” Jen pushed herself into a sitting position, squinting at the bottle.

Judy held it up and started reading off the print slowly. “It says ‘Sensual Lavender  _ Lick Me _ Massage Oil’. Oh,  _ and _ it’s edible.”

“Jesus,  _ Judy _ .” Jen threw a hand over her face. “That was- I got that for Ted but we clearly did not end up using it,” Jen almost laughed, trying to cover up the morbidity of the statement, because it didn’t matter anymore.

Judy shrugged, “Well, no use wasting it.”

Jen shook her head, “Can’t you just grab some… fuckin’ Aveeno or something?”

Judy laughed and shook her head. “Oh no, we are using this.”

“Alright alright, fine.”

“Yes!” Judy whispered to herself, pumping her fist.

Jen rolled her eyes as Judy made her way over to the bed.

“Alright, shirt off,” Judy said as she came to sit beside her. 

“Christ, buy me dinner first.” Jen joked, but she was pretty sure her heart was about to pound out of her chest.

“Come on,” Judy raised her eyebrow.

Jen huffed.

“And lay down on your stomach.”

Jen shook her head, Judy’s face far too close to hers, with her teasing smirk. “Alright, but avert your eyes.” Jen shoved her hand over Judy’s face, pushing it away. Judy giggled, putting her face right back where it was. 

Jen realized she wouldn’t win this battle and instead turned around completely before pulling her shirt off over her head, covering awkwardly with her arm, and turning onto her stomach. 

In the position she was in Jen could hear her heart pounding echoing in the back of her skull, which was not helping her nerves. She crossed her arms in front of her for support and rested her cheek on her arm, looking over at Judy. “Okay. You just gonna stare at me, or?”

Judy stared blankly, her eyes running up and down Jen’s back, mouth hanging open slightly.

“Jude?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry, um, let me just…” Judy slid closer, opening the bottle. She eyed Jen’s back and considered the angle for a moment. “I’m gonna just…” after a moment’s hesitation Judy raised a knee across Jen’s back, ultimately settling in a straddle on top of her, allowing herself to put her weight down.

“You’re sitting on my ass,” Jen muttered, her voice muffled. Although, it wasn’t as if she minded.

Judy laughed, “Well where else am I supposed to sit?”

She poured some oil into her palm and rubbed them together to warm it.

Jen felt Judy’s fingers land on her lower back, reacting with a sharp intake of breath as Judy started working immediately. And she’d been right, she  _ was _ pretty good at this. 

“Oh… fuck,” Jen mumbled.

Judy’s hands were stronger than expected, her thumbs digging and rolling in just the right places. She couldn’t help it, Jen moaned into her own arm.

“ _ Wow _ , guess I am pretty good.”

Jen could already feel her cheeks heating up. “Shut up.”

“That was, like, borderline pornographic…” Judy teased.

“ _ Judy! _ ”

Judy laughed, “Sorry, sorry, I’m just happy to hear you enjoying it.”

She kept up her work in silence for a bit, letting Jen relax into it.

“You have a lot of freckles,” Judy noted.

Jen grumbled, “Probably sun damage.”

After a pause Judy said: “I like them… and the ones on your shoulder… and your chest…”

Jen swallowed hard. Had Judy been looking? 

“You look at my chest?”

“Well, I look at you a lot, Jen.”

Jen’s eyes widened with doubt. “Right, I’m sure that’s—  _ oh _ , shit that feels nice,” Jen breathed.

Jen felt Judy shift a bit against her, her body sliding up enough that Jen could feel the bare skin of her thighs against her hips which was… overwhelming.

Jen swallowed hard. “Are you… are you only wearing underwear under that robe?”

“They’re briefs,” Judy said matter-of-factory, wriggling a bit against Jen. “Lady briefs.”

Jen shook her head, “Jesus.”

“Why? That too intimate for you? This experience wasn’t already too erotic for you?”

Jen was at a loss for words. Judy was teasing her, she knew she was. She had to be. She was over it. 

“Don’t be weird, Judes” 

Judy giggled, satisfied with herself. 

“I’m gonna do your shoulders, let me just move your hair…” Judy said, her voice low and sultry. Jen felt Judy’s fingers against her neck, gently sweeping her hair across. The gesture sent a pleasant chill up Jen’s spine. She really was not used to this kind of contact, and she was cherishing every moment of it, even if it was giving her heart palpitations.

“Are you cold?” Judy suddenly asked.

“Hm? No, I’m fine.”

“You’ve got goosebumps… guess I am doing a good job.”

Jen was, once again, blushing. “Yes, Judy, it feels good. Okay? You’re a pro.”

Judy smiled with satisfaction, working her fingers harder into the knots of Jen’s shoulders, which was admittedly painful, but relieving all at once for Jen. 

“God, you’re so tight, Jen.”

“ _ Huh? _ ” Jen turned her head back slightly, “Oh. Oh, right. Yeah, well, I’ve been stressed.”

“Jeez, get your mind out of the gutter.”

Jen huffed, “Well, you didn’t have to say it like  _ that _ .”

After a few more agonizingly pleasurable minutes, Judy must have been satisfied with her work, finally climbing off of Jen, rather quickly. This was to Jen’s great disappointment, of course, already missing the weight of Judy’s body against her.

“Feeling any better?” Judy asked hopefully.

“Oh, yeah, definitely feeling better,” Jen admitted. She turned her cheek to look at Judy, not lifting up from her stomach, finding Judy’s eyes on her.

“Will you turn around so I can get dressed?”

Judy pouted a bit, “Fine.”

“Thank you,” Jen said with a relieved sigh, pushing herself up and pulling her shirt back on.

Once she was settled under the covers again she didn’t even need to ask Judy to come back into her arms. All it took was a moment of eye contact, Jen’s pursed lips, and an inviting out-stretched arm and Judy was crawling back into Jen’s secure hold. 

“Thank you for that, seriously. Helped a lot,” Jen said, petting Judy’s hair affectionately.

“Mm. No problem,” Judy snuggled in, “I’ll do that every night if you want.”

Jen raised her eyebrows, “Careful. I might take you up on that.”

Judy giggled, “I really wouldn’t mind.”

Jen snorted, “I bet you wouldn’t…”

There was no response from Judy, who was apparently exhausted. And Jen didn’t mind the silence, even though she was still relatively wide awake. She took this time to push Judy’s hair out of her face, stroke the back of it, scratch her back softly, rub her arm and play with her fingers, plant little kisses on top of her head.

After what just happened, a little hope sprung in Jen’s heart that maybe Judy wasn’t over her feelings after all. But she couldn’t just _ask_. Jen’s heart rate picked up at the very thought of asking. Every part of her was hoping Judy would just make the first move. _But_ _Judy already did make the first move_ , Jen reminded herself. The ball was in her court now and she had no idea what to do with it, or if she _should_ do anything with it. Maybe if she started talking to Judy about it, she could work up the courage, she thought. Judy did have a way of helping Jen let all of her defenses down.

“Judy?” Jen whispered, feeling her heart race in anticipation. “Jude?” 

It didn’t take long for Jen to realize she was already asleep, which was probably for the best. What was she going to say anyways?  _ Hey Judy, I know I literally pushed you away last time you kissed me and you might not even like me like that now, but why don’t you try it again? _

Jen finally allowed herself to go to sleep, admittedly exhausted. And she actually had a relatively easy time falling asleep and staying asleep that night. She slept soundly until Judy started stirring around four in the morning. 

Well, it started as Judy stirring, and progressed into what sounded like crying and a quiet “Jen?... Jen?”

Jen was unsure whether she should be endeared or scared. She’d never heard another person calling out her name in their sleep before, but her instinct was to gently shake Judy until she awoke with a gasp.

“Judy? Hey… Judy. It’s okay,” Jen cooed, pulling Judy closer into her chest.

“Jen?” she whispered, her voice sounding small and afraid.

“I’m right here,” Jen assured her. “Did you have a nightmare? Are you okay, honey?” She asked, trying not to sound too panicked.

Judy nodded and sniffled, her body shaking with sobs. “It was a really bad dream.”

“Do you, um, do you wanna tell me about it?” she tried.

After a deep breath, Judy swallowed back a sob. “It was… Steve killed you. That night. I had a dream where you didn’t fight back and—” Judy hiccuped another sob, “I found you face-down in the pool insead.” She burst into fresh tears at the word “you”.

Jen was wide awake now, her mouth hanging open just a bit. “Oh… Oh Jesus, Judy, that is, uh, grim…”

Judy nodded against her chest, her sobs coming faster now.

“Hey, but I’m right here, and I’m okay.” Jen rubbed her arm reassuringly.

Judy nodded again. “I know, it’s just… I’m  _ so _ sorry that happened. I’m so sorry he put his hands on you. You must have been so scared and it’s all my fucking fault and—”

Jen squeezed her harder, cutting her off with “It is  _ not _ your fault, okay?”

“It is, Jen, he came here looking for  _ me _ .”

Jen’s heart was breaking, and suddenly she understood why Judy got so  _ confessy _ with her the night she told her about Ted.

“Judy?”

“Yeah?”

And she wanted to tell Judy, she really did. But she just couldn’t, not right now. Not while Judy was curled up in her arms seeking out comfort and love from her. Jen had no idea how she would react, and she wasn’t sure Judy could handle that right now. Really, she wasn’t sure  _ she  _ could handle it either. “Um. I just… I wanted to tell you that I love you so much, okay?”

“I love you so much too,” Judy sniffled again, letting herself get pulled in closer.

“It’s not your fault, okay? It’s Steve’s. He’s the reason for this whole mess.”

“No, Jen, it’s mine, I—”

“Shhh. It’s not your fault, I promise,” Jen whispered. “Let’s go to sleep, okay?”

__________

Judy was a lot more chipper the following day. She woke up as if her dream never happened, acting as if they’d slept through the night after that massage, asking Jen how her back was feeling the moment her eyes opened. Jen knew she was only asking to remind her of their erotic little bonding experience the night before. Judy was extra affectionate with her that morning too, as if they had made some sort of breakthrough that night. After she made breakfast she came around the island where Jen was sitting on a stool to surprise her with a hug from behind, leaving Jen somewhat flustered. She also made Jen a latte that morning with a foam heart on top. Maybe she read Jen inviting her,  _ needing her _ , to come sleep in her bed last night as some sort of advancement in their relationship, Jen thought. And that had been what Jen  _ wanted _ , but… 

Jen, on the other hand, woke up only able to think about what happened at 4AM; about the fact that Judy was keeping herself up at night thinking everything that happened was all her own fault, carrying all that weight on her back.

Every sweet gesture and compliment from Judy made Jen feel like even more of a lying fraud. She didn’t deserve a foam heart or an unsolicited hug from this woman. She certainly didn’t deserve the relationship she was beginning to want with Judy. She deserved to have Judy treat her the way she treated her after finding out about Ted.

Now she was recoiling into herself every time Judy touched her, her reflexes telling her to push the other woman away, but she was able to resist. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Judy’s feelings.

Well, she was able to resist until later that afternoon, when Judy was pressed against her from behind, a hand on her back, reading over her shoulder. All Jen could think of was earlier that morning in the grocery store, where Judy had so graciously joined her, Judy making a remark about the freezer being gone that it was “nice to not have that constant reminder” of Steve.  _ You’re my constant fucking reminder _ , Jen had thought. And, no, that wasn’t Judy’s fault, but she knew she would drive herself insane if she didn’t get away soon.

When Jen asked her nicely not to hover, Judy took it well enough, backing off a decent amount, but she was right back to touching her a moment later, asking if there was a problem with her back and if she wanted a massage. That’s when Jen snapped and told her to  _ fucking stop _ , which she immediately regretted.

Realizing that this probably wouldn’t stop happening, all she could think to do was ask for space. She needed to sort her shit out and this underlying guilt was really not helping. There was a lot of shit to sort out, and maybe her feelings for Judy wouldn’t drive her so crazy if she wasn’t constantly around her, always touching her and flirting with her.  _ Maybe _ this would even help her get over those feelings, Jen thought.


	4. Learn To Be Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confession scene but it's right after Charlie took Steve's car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I never posted this chapter, this is so crappy apologies in advance

Jen drove more erratically than usual the whole way home, a lit cigarette in her shaking hand. And she deserved that cigarette. Her night had been an absolute shitstorm. She shouldn’t have let Ben Wood take her home, shouldn’t have taken advantage of his kindness, shouldn’t have even looked him in the face.

At least she got a fucking free adjustment out of it, she thought, which wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as a massage from Judy, but did her a hell of a lot better. 

Although, even if it did, she’d still humiliated herself in front of that man. So much so that she kicked him out. So much so that she’d almost called Judy to come console her, and she probably would have, had she not snapped at Judy and essentially told her to fuck off earlier that day. 

And then there she was a few hours later, needing Judy  _ again _ , because her son was a fucking thief, and just put them all in more danger than they were already in.

Now she was pulling into her driveway, slamming her car door shut and making her way to her front door, not at all ready to face her son. Her hands shook so hard that she could barely get her keys in before the door swung open, Judy standing in its wake as her keys fell to the ground.

Judy bent over to get them immediately. “Sorry, I could just hear you struggling and—” she stood with the keys in her hand, “anyways, Charlie’s in bed and I drove Parker home.”

Jen nodded quickly. “Great.” 

She pulled her sweater off her shoulders and flung it in the general direction of the coat hooks, marching her way towards the living room. 

Judy picked her sweater up off the floor and hung it, following close behind. “Did you handle the car?”

“Yeah, it’s all set,” Jen said curtly.

“What did you do with it?”

“I said it’s all set!” Jen snapped, collapsing onto the couch. She understood why Judy was asking, but she wasn’t about to tell her how stupid and reckless she had been. They were better off just leaving it.

“Okay,” Judy said quickly, sounding a little bit hurt, “sorry…”

Jen huffed and shook her head, feeling guilty but not wanting to show it.

Judy cautiously sat down on the couch a few feet away, clearly afraid to come anywhere near Jen, which Jen knew was her own fault, and it was breaking her heart.

“Are you, um, are you okay?” Judy asked quietly and carefully, as if Jen was some sort of bomb that could explode at any moment.

Jen sat up with her knees curled into her chest, her arms crossed over them. She looked up over her arms at Judy and her heart broke even more. Judy looked so small, and so scared. And it was all Jen’s fault. 

Jen couldn’t help it, all at once she wept, tucking her face back into her arms.

She felt Judy inch closer, and soon a hand landed on her shoulder, barely touching it, but it was there. Even when Jen flinched at her touch, she kept it there, even if Jen’s reaction made her wince.

“I’m so sorry, Judy,” Jen sobbed softly, lifting her head enough to meet Judy’s eyes for just a moment.

“Why are you sorry?” Judy tilted her head sympathetically.

“I’m such a piece of shit,” Jen sobbed.

Judy scooted a bit closer, rubbing her shoulder now. “Jen, no you’re not. That’s not true.”

“I  _ am _ , God. Yes, Judy, I  _ am _ .” She threw her arms up and lifted her head as she said this, scaring Judy’s hand away. She spoke softer now, as if the kids might hear her. “I  _ killed _ Steve. I fucking killed him. And now my son is- what if he gets dragged into all of this? Because I put all of us in fucking danger.”

Judy’s hands were both on her shoulder now, Jen’s face contorted from crying and barely able to see Judy through her tears. “Jen, listen, it is  _ not _ your fault, okay? It’s mine. And Charlie is not gonna get dragged into this. He won’t. I wouldn’t let that happen. I would turn  _ myself  _ in before I let that happen. I am responsible for all of this. If it wasn’t for me, none of this would have happened.” Jen could see the tears forming in Judy’s eyes, and knew how serious she was.

Jen shook her head, fresh tears leaving her eyes. “Jesus, Judy. It is  _ not _ your fault. I told you. It’s mine.”

“No,” Judy cried, “He came here looking for  _ me _ , and he attacked you. It is not your fault, Jen, it was self-defense!”

Jen sobbed even harder now, her entire body trembling because she knew what she had to do. Every time Judy blamed herself it was like a punch in the stomach. She just couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t be the reason Judy felt like this. “It wasn’t self-defense, Judy.”

“Yes. It  _ was _ !”

“ _ No! _ It wasn’t. He didn’t attack me. I attacked him.” Jen finally said, her chest heaving with sobs.

Judy’s face went blank, and she moved her hands from Jen’s shoulders, backing away.

“No, why- why would you do that?” Judy’s face twisted with fear.

“He was… he was saying some really bad things, okay? And I got really angry and… I just lost it,” Jen admitted, feeling so much shame having to tell Judy she had absolutely no control over herself. Like she was some feral fucking animal.

Judy stared in disbelief, shaking her head frantically. “What did he say to you, Jen?”

Jen thought back to that night, the very thought of it springing a fresh round of tears. She folded into herself, hiding her head behind her arms again, unsure if she could repeat what he said to her without losing it.

“Jen, please, what did he fucking say?”

Jen’s sobs were muffled by her arms now. She couldn’t bring herself to look up at Judy, but she knew she had to tell her. “He said… He asked why I was protecting you. And said you just feel sorry for me. That I’m a miserable cunt…”

“Jen…”

Jen sucked in another sob, shaking even harder “He said Ted jumped in front of your car. That Ted killed himself because of me. That he’d put a gun to his head if he was married to me.”

“Jen, you know that’s not true, right?”

“It’s true,” Jen whispered, because she believed every word of it. It wouldn’t be so difficult for her to say now if she hadn’t believed every last fucking word of it.

“It’s not true. None of that is true, it’s just what Steve did. He wanted to hurt you. That’s how he was!”

Jen’s heart broke at those words, knowing that meant he spoke to Judy the way he had spoken to her. And that Judy wouldn’t fight back like she would, Judy would just sit there and take it. Judy was the last person to deserve that.  _ She _ fucking deserved that, but not Judy.

“No. It’s true, Judy, I’m—” Jen’s words caught in her throat, breaking into another fit of sobs, “I’m a fucking piece of shit. I fucking hate myself.” And she meant it. She really fucking meant it. “You should fucking hate me…”

“Jen…” Judy cried, shaking her head. “I could never hate you.”

Jen shook her head.  _ You could never hate anyone _ , she thought, but she bit her tongue, swallowed it down deep in a moment of restraint, because what the fuck could Judy say to that.

“I love you, okay?” Judy finally said. Words Jen thought she’d never hear Judy say ever again after this. Words she didn’t  _ deserve _ to hear Judy say ever again.

Jen lifted her head, staring Judy dead in the eyes. 

“How the fuck can you say that to me right now? How can you even  _ look _ at me?” Jen asked in a state of shock, even if her tone came out like one of anger and annoyance. She genuinely didn’t understand it.

“I can’t fucking help it,” Judy admitted, sounding almost annoyed, “I can’t not love you. I can’t resent you, I just can’t.”

Jen sniffled and blinked at her in disbelief, still shaking uncontrollably. But she understood. She understood because she felt the same for Judy. She tried so fucking hard to hate her and she  _ couldn’t _ .

Jen shook her head, “God, I’d rather you just punch me in the fucking face.”

“Well I’m not fucking like that,” Judy said, a hint of an edge in her voice as tears still streamed down her cheeks.

“If I were you I wouldn’t stay. You know I don’t deserve to have you around.”

Judy sat up a little straighter. “I’m not you.”

Jen sniffled, “No you’re not. You’re a fucking angel and I’m just... “ She broke into another fresh fit of sobs, unable to catch her breath. Before she could attempt to finish her sentence Judy’s arms were wrapping around her, pulling Jen into her warm embrace and shushing her.

Jen started pulling away, “Don’t fucking take care of me,” she cried, but Judy didn’t loosen her grip.

“I’m  _ not _ letting go.”

“Judy—”

“I can’t fucking lose you again,” she finally admitted.

Jen finally hugged back, feeling that Judy was shaking almost as hard as she was.

“I just… I can’t handle that. Not ever again. I was so fucking lost without you I just… I can’t resent you. I’d only be punishing myself.”

Jen thought back to the days she spent without Judy after she’d confessed. Just the thought made her shiver. She felt like a piece of her was missing. Like someone had hollowed out her chest and all that was left of it was a Judy-shaped hole. And she didn’t want to feel like that ever again. In fact, she couldn’t bear to feel like that ever again.

“I can’t lose you again either,” Jen whispered, her voice smaller than she’d ever heard it. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. I was so scared of losing you I just… Judy, I’m so sorry.”

Judy stroked her head affectionately. “I forgive you.”

“What?” Jen pulled away, sitting up.

“I forgive you.”

Jen shook her head in disbelief, “Shut up.”

“No, you shut up. I can’t carry around anymore pain. I’m tired of feeling sad and hurt, okay? I don’t have it in me to be mad at you. I’m just exhausted.”

Jen nodded, still in disbelief. “Okay.”

“I love you,” Judy added.

Jen teared up again “I love you too.” 

They both fell into each other’s arms again, each crying on the other’s shoulder until they’d both effectively calmed their sobs.

“God,” Jen rubbed her face as they separated, picking up her phone to check the time. “How is it only, like, ten o’clock?”

Judy chuckled a bit through her sobs. “Seriously? I thought it was at  _ least _ three in the morning.”

They both sat in silence for a moment before Jen asked, “Are we... gonna be okay?”

Judy nodded. “Yeah, we’ll be okay.”

“Do you still wanna sleep in my room?” Jen asked hopefully, trying not to sound too pathetic.

“I don’t know, do you still want space?” Judy bit back.

Jen felt a pang of guilt at that statement, when she opened her mouth to speak nothing came out.

“Sorry. Yes, of course I do.” Judy gave a small, pressed-lip smile.

“Okay, good… and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry I snapped at you I just—”

“It’s okay. I, uh, well I know what it’s like to hide something,” Judy’s expression sunk as she spoke.

“Right.”

It wasn’t long before they both decided to go to bed. And they were in their usual position, dressed in their pajamas watching  _ Facts of Life _ , each with a glass of wine in hand.

Jen turned to Judy. “Thank you, by the way, for helping tonight. With Charlie and Parker.”

“Of course.”

“I just… wanted to say I’m sorry for probably fucking up your whole night.”

Judy turned fully towards her now. “It’s okay. You know, I’m serious when I say I’m here for you, Jen.”

Jen pursed her lips, nodding. “What were you doing when I called?”

“Oh, I was out with my new friend. We were getting dinner.”

Jen furrowed her eyebrows, sitting up a little straighter. “New friend? What new friend?”

Judy was clearly scanning Jen’s face, trying to understand why she asked in that tone. “Uh, Michelle, I met her at work.” Jen’s stomach dropped.

“Oh. Michelle from work,” Jen huffed.

“Uh… yeah?” Judy raised an eyebrow.

“Was this a date?” Jen asked far too flatly. She realized as soon as she said it that this was something she should probably ask with some enthusiasm. As Judy’s best friend she should probably be acting excited at the prospect of a date, but instead she sounded like she was interrogating.

“I mean, we never explicitly said, but…”

“Do you like her?” Jen tried to give a small smile, a fake one, like Judy might give, but it only lasted a split second before Jen gave up on it.

Judy stared back and blinked. “I mean, maybe? This was our first time really hanging out outside of work, but… is there, like, a problem? You’re being kind of intense, Jen.”

“No. There’s no problem,” Jen stated very unconvincingly. She could tell she was being embarrassingly obvious. Maybe it was the wine, but she just couldn’t fake it right now.

“Jen… are you like… jealous?” Judy asked, a small smirk forming.

“What? I’m not fucking jealous.”

“Right.”

“I’m  _ not _ . Jesus. Why the hell would I be?” Jen folded her arms stubbornly, facing forward now to avoid Judy’s teasing grin.

“Okay…” Judy snorted, shaking her head. “Is this, like, one of those things where you want me to keep pining after you even though you don’t feel the same way?”

Jen dropped her arms and turned back toward her, stunned. “ _ What? _ ”

Judy shrugged, “I’m just saying, you’re the one who rejected  _ me  _ and wanted  _ me _ to back off. And now you’re offended at the prospect of me  _ maybe _ being interested in pursuing something else?”

Jen’s face tightened, realizing that Judy was exactly right. About most of it. 

“No, Judy, that’s not—”

“I was actually starting to think that maybe it might have been mutual, too, after last night. You know? So I wasn’t gonna let anything happen with this woman. But then today when you kind of asked me to back off…”

Jen’s mouth opened again to tell Judy how wrong she was but all that she could say was “Judy…”

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not your fault, I’m totally not trying to guilt you. You’re straight, and that’s fine, but—”

Jen cut her off, “Well, I don’t… totally know about that.”

Judy’s eyebrows shot up. “You don’t know about… you being straight?”

Jen chewed her bottom lip for a moment, not wanting to confirm but realizing she’d left herself with no choice. “No, I don’t, okay?” she had to look away as she said it, but she said it.

Judy looked entirely delighted, she grabbed the remote and flicked the TV off because this conversation was apparently too important. “You’ve been having a sexuality crisis and you didn’t  _ tell _ me? I thought I was your best friend!”

Jen rolled her eyes. 

“Did my massage do it?”

“Judes.”

“Sorry,” Judy laughed, “but I’m curious. Have you come to any conclusions? Do you, like, want advice?”

Jen crossed her arms, closing herself off again. “No, I just… don’t know? I guess? Like, maybe I would know if I…” Jen gave Judy a slight side eye before quickly looking away from her, “I just feel like I wouldn’t know unless I tried it.”

Judy raised an excited eyebrow. “Tried what? Having sex with a woman?”

“I guess, like, a woman that I’m attracted to, obviously,” Jen muttered, looking down now.

Judy shrugged, “Well, I was gonna offer up myself but I guess in that case, never mind.”

Jen uncrossed her arms, “Oh, are you fucking kidding me, Judy?”

“ _ What? _ ” Judy’s voice came out significantly more high-pitched than usual, “You just said that—”

“As if I haven’t made it  _ mortifyingly  _ obvious that I’m attracted to you over the past couple of days,” Jen interrupted.

Judy slid a little closer, “I thought  _ I  _ was the one doing that.”

Jen huffed, “How am I supposed to know? You flirt with everyone.”

Judy just laughed. “Come on. What about last night? Couldn’t you tell why I had to cut your massage short?”

Jen furrowed her eyebrows, “I just thought you were done?”

Judy’s face was suddenly flushed, “Wait, you really couldn’t tell?”

“Tell what?”

“Oh, god,” Judy covered her face, “well I don’t wanna say  _ now _ . I’m embarrassed.”

“Well now you  _ have _ to tell me.”

“Ugh,” Judy rubbed her face. “Think about it, I was spread-legged on top of you with one layer of material covering me. And you kept shifting around and fucking moaning.”

Jen’s eyes widened, “Oh, because you— oh.” Jen understood, but wasn’t about to say “because I made you so wet” out loud. She was not there yet. But the thought itself sparked something in her. The thought of Judy on top of her last night, rubbing against her in just her underwear, the sound of Jen’s moaning getting her so wet that she needed to climb off to keep her from finding out. The fact that she has that effect on someone at all had sparks flying inside of her.

“Sorry,” Judy finally said, a rosy blush painting her neck that was now partially covered by her hands, “TMI?”

“Uh. Nope. Nope, not at all.” After a beat, Jen added “I really turn you on that much?”

The two of them were eye to eye now, only about two feet away from each other. “You do,” Judy said matter-of-factly.

And then, without even thinking, Jen came out with: “The night you kissed me, I got off thinking about you.” The words came out of her mouth so quickly that it took her a moment to realize she said them. It took Judy staring at her with her chest visibly rising and falling and whispering “ _ Fuck _ ” for it to really set in.

“I- Please tell me more about this,” Judy stuttered out, dry-mouthed.

Now it was Jen whose face was heating up. Judy could probably see the red in her cheeks, she thought. She blinked a few times before keeping her eyes shut, as if lost in thought, working up the courage. When she finally opened them she spoke. 

“I just… I tried to resist, but I couldn’t. The thought of you had me up the entire fucking night, okay?”

“So…” Judy started, moving in a little bit closer. “What I’m hearing is that I should do it again?”

Jen stared back at her wide-eyed and nodded desperately, internally begging for Judy to just make this easy for her. 

The moment Judy leaned in Jen’s hand was on her neck, just under her jaw, drawing her in until their lips finally met. Jen’s heart was fully fluttering. This felt so  _ right _ . Even though her body was shaking from a mix of nerves and excitement she was completely at peace. This was it. Judy was  _ it _ .

Jen opened her mouth against Judy’s, letting herself moan into it desperately, “God, fucking finally,” Jen said against Judy’s lips.

Judy giggled into their kiss, but the smile was wiped away when Jen started kissing her harder, her tongue snaking its way in and her hand tangling into Judy’s hair. “Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long,” Jen said hungrily, moving her lips to Judy’s neck.

“So it — oh,  _ fuck _ — seems like you’ve come to a conclusion on the liking women thing?” Judy asked teasingly.

“ _ Mm _ , yeah, it seems that way.” Jen reached down and started untying Judy’s robe, still kissing and nipping at Judy’s neck. “Take this off.” Jen started sliding Judy’s robe off her shoulders until Judy was pulling it off the rest of the way herself.

“ _ Oo _ , bossy, are we?” Judy asked somewhat teasingly, somewhat excitedly, earning an eye-roll from Jen. But she was already pulling her robe off, never having any problem baring herself for Jen. She stared up at Jen the whole time she tugged the material from her shoulders, licking her lips, her expression soft and overjoyed all at once.

Aside from her panties, that had been all that Judy was wearing, and now it was on Jen’s floor.

Jen pulled away from Judy’s neck to look her over, her mouth going dry at the sight as she pushed Judy onto her back. “God, you’re fucking beautiful,” Jen whispered

Judy smiled warmly at the comment, letting herself be pushed back easily and spreading her legs around Jen, who settled between them.

Judy’s chest rose and fell softly, heart clearly pounding in her chest. Jen could tell even before she placed a hand on it. She ran her hand from the center of Judy’s chest down the expanse of her abdomen, watching goosebumps prickle on her stomach and breasts, her nipples standing at attention before Jen had even touched them. Jen was shocked she could have such an effect on someone’s body so easily. 

Judy stared up at her adoringly the entire time, chewing her bottom lip in anticipation.

Jen couldn’t help but kiss her again. Her hair draped over Judy as she leaned back down to her lips, still dressed in her loose t-shirt and sweatpants with an almost fully-nude Judy underneath her. And Judy didn’t seem to mind. She was content to run her fingers up under Jen’s shirt and explore the warm skin of her back and belly.


End file.
